Dear Mistress

I have always enjoyed feeling my femininity and Goddess-like qualities. I have never envied men, although borrowing a real live penis would be a dream come true…at least for a little while. I can have the next best thing with my beautiful collection of strap on dildos. But it is not the same as having a real penis. My one and only sadness is that I will NEVER, no matter how hard I try, be able to fully experience the intense pleasure of penetration. Feeling my cock inside a mouth or when the tip is pressing up against a woman’s lubricated clit hood just before it slides in. To know exactly that feeling of having my penis engulfed all the way around by a soft and warm little hole as it thrusts in and out climbing to a euphoric orgasm!

Which brings me to another thought. What is it like to answer the question, “Am I happy to be the sex I am,” with a “no?” What then? Is the alternative to hide who we are only to share it with a confidant who can be trusted? Who can be trusted? When do we get to live our lives the way we feel most comfortable? What do we do when the risks outweigh the benefits? The loss of friends, family, jobs and careers? What would it be like to be free?

I am lucky to have some very courageous people in my life. Certainly the idea to come all the way out of the closet, may be too much. So we find ways to have it all. It amazes me that although we have made progress in our world, there are just certain lifestyles that make people feel uncomfortable, or for that matter, judgmental. Further, it doesn’t change who a person is inside, only that their true feelings about WHO they are originate as the opposite sex they were born as.

From what I understand, there are areas in the world where sexual reassignment clinics are performing many sex change operations a day. This information is amazing to me because this type of surgery isn’t like having a face lift. It is changing the hormonal nature of who you are. The commitment is quite an undertaking with the prescriptions of hormones, surgeries as well as psychological counseling that is important to this process.

I remember when I was 21, I met a woman I knew was a transsexual. She was amazing because when I was with her, I could see the courage it took for her to live her life. She liked to be with me

I notice slight differences from cross dressers, to transvestites, to transgendered, only in the varying degree of how the lifestyle is incorporated individually. What remains the same to me, is how important being the opposite gender is, than the sex one was born with. That dressing up and being male or female is as important as the air that keeps us alive, even if it is for a brief time. In fact there are many femmes who go through a purge every now and then, because they don’t fit into society and the lifestyle is not accepted. All the clothing, make up, lingerie, breasts, wigs and shoes are thrown into a bag and driven to the nearest dumpsite and purged. What ends up happening is that little by little the need overcomes the reason they purged, which begins the cycle all over again. Along with this secret lies torment, guilt and shame. So what happens when the compulsion to dress is overwhelming?

Something takes over during the process of transformation. Transformation to me, is a wonderful process. I love creating a look through make-up, breast forms, hair, and clothing. I watch as I create not only a whole new look, but an entirely different sex. Over the years I have enjoyed performing my own kinds of sexual reassignments and have marveled not only at the result, but who this person becomes.

If you live here in the Twin Cities, you may be familiar with the magazine Lavender. This is a gay, lesbian, bi, and transgendered friendly magazine and deals with many issues including a wonderful column on leather life written by a man named Steve Lenius. On the cover of one of the issues (2001-2002) were several pictures of a frined of mine who was a male to female. When I first met her, she was not always dressing up as a woman. For her, this was something that became more prevalent later on in her life. Now, she is living her life happily as a woman…and being accepted by her peers.

Another friend of mine began a transission from female to male. I marvel at the courage and commitment it takes to make this transformation. It had been a while since I had seen my friend and I knew he was taking hormones. As he opened his mouth to speak, I heard a deepness in his voice I had never heard before. His voice had changed…I look at him totally different now and totally as a man.

And then there is my friend Ms Patris, she is my pre-op transsexual friend. I have been very fortunate to have a very special friendship with her. I support her in who she wants to be no matter what, and I love her dearly. I always see her “Patris” side even when she is in her male clothes, which is rare these days. It comes with a giggle or a roll of the eyes or maybe a little hand gesture, but I see it always because it is always present. I know that there are people in her life who may never know her as Patris, but I do…Patris has undergone quite a transformation. I tease her now about how almost everything she wore was see through and exaggerated when we first met. Big hair, long nails, 7 inch platform heels, thick eyelashes, big breasts with hard plastic nipples…It wasn’t the fact that her dressing in see-through clothes was unacceptable to me at all, it was when she would choose to wear these clothes I found troubling. For me, as a female, there is a type of decorum with certain types of clothing that when worn makes them appropriate. I would never wear my risqué or for that matter my domme clothing where it was inappropriate, say like to a Farmers Market, or to the beach…or where there wasn’t a Fetish event. What I wanted her to understand was that if she wanted to be taken seriously as a female, she would need to dress accordingly. So she saved the brilliant wardrobe for more appropriate times, like in the evening and at certain events. I feel the apparent reason for dressing in a manner that may seem inappropriate is that in order to feel like a woman, some male to females feel the need to exaggerate feminine qualities in order to feel their femininity. Patris grew out of the big hair and exaggerated femme-ware and I find her unbelievably beautiful, stylish and glamorous. From her, I learned that the need to be accepted and loved is enormous.

In a nutshell, I simply love and adore the people I have had the honor to share their transformation with. I have been blessed to take a peak into their lives. What is it like to not feel right in one’s own skin? Some of us were just lucky to be born the sex we are happy with and for others it is a challenge. Acceptance and gratitude are always the key. We accept ourselves for who we are and others will too. And if they don’t, that’s okay too because we are the light that shines the way and sets the example for unconditional love. It runs both ways…

So be glamorous and love yourself and most importantly, follow your heart.